I Cried

Dear Diary,

Is this how normal people behave? I mean, I talk to you now more than I talk to the people around me; why is that? Maybe its coz you hear my silent whisphers and just know how to hear me out, like so...

I’d an emotionally challenging day today but somehow, like I always do, I find my way around it and just when I think it cant get any more challenging, I’m reminded of my soft human nature – that part of me that only one person always seems to elicit.

I cried. No, I didn’t wail like a baby or bang my head against the wall like someone mourning the loss of a loved one. No. The tears just welled up in my eyes like mist until it almost beclouded the view in front of me. Why should a grown man cry?

Why shouldn’t I cry? I realized how loving someone and letting them go hurt because of pride! Simple! Not that I regret; I do believe everything happens for a reason but why are we just realizing this now? I knew it but I wasn’t gonna let my ‘ego’ get bruised just like that. What did I do? I did what an irrational and emotional mind would do – crush a butterfly on a wheel.

Its too late to say SORRY but I’ll say it as a reminder that the difference between saying ‘I’m sorry’ and getting peace of mind is like the difference between letter ‘S’ and ‘W’-orry.

Really, Love isn’t all that matters (apologies to Brandy and Diana Ross). And strange enough, I gave a friend the same admonition. Sometimes, love isn’t just enough to cover for some of our frailties especially, especially, when we refuse to admit we’ve one.

I’ve missed you, no doubt and I never stopped loving you but unlike you, I didn’t think we got it all wrong, I think we refused to look beyond our present shortfalls with the hope that it could be better coz believe me, once two people are ideal, perfect and suited for each other, nothing they do is wrong!

I’m really, truly sorry Omo. I still can’t remember what I said or didn’t say or do or didn’t to get you real worked up – and everything I’ve said or done afterwards that seem to have hurted you, I’m truly sorry. Although I realize my words are worth nothing anymore to you but if you could see, for just a split second, you’d know I truly mean it when I say Forgive and Forget –it isn’t easy but it’s all I ask.

And as a sign of good faith to you, (I’m not sure if you’ve noticed some of the changes here but I also thought on our afternoon conversation) I’m willing to grant your request as I'm already working on it although it contradicts my earlier stance but I’m truly willing to get you ‘ecstatic’ like you said it would – I can’t lie to save myself but I’d deny everything I ever held true just to give you that peace of mind. And if I don’t succeed, I’d jettison this and start afresh!

Benin would always be the best need I mention that. I was gonna go back there as a different man – reason I said you didn’t understand. Besides, I didn’t know providence would direct you to see it otherwise, I could’ve typed ‘man’instead of woman. But somehow, it gladdened my heart that you also cherished the memory Benin held for us. Wouldn’t desecrate that memory. Never!

I’m so grateful to God that He caused our paths to cross and even more grateful that He caused me, through you, to have one of the best high points of 2012 – I’ll never forget even if I forget every other thing.

And if somehow, by a stroke of fate, lightning strikes twice at the same spot, infact it already did, maybe thrice, this time around, I would be prepared coz I would’ve been better equipped and if not, then its farewell thee my love.

Good night.

True Confessions: I Won't Lie...

Dear Diary,
I’ve just been asked to tell a lie and make a mockery of everything I truly once held valuable and priceless – how can a man look himself in the mirror and tell himself he is a woman? Even mad people still realize their sex, I believe.

But I’m not a MAD man! I CANT and WONT deny you once made me happy, made me smile, brought alot of sunshine to my life, loved me unconditionally, shaped me, scolded me when I went astray, supported me, gave me a reason to love again and I swear, you still do but I can’t take it any longer – severing the ties when it was still strong was the best!

That night when it went south was all I needed – if not now, if not then, it would’ve happened later and might I’ve been able to pull out of it? I was recklessly in love without a care in the world. I dived head-in first and I didn’t mind if I was going to crash land but I took that plunge – and it was the best plunge ever.

But how do you say the one you love is the source of your frustrations? Your neglect? How can you not understand that love, true love, is very powerful and potent and breeds positive energy? I thought you did but apparently, you did not.

How could I’ve been made a scape goat for the feelings you were feeling? I did have my own down times but I didn’t blame it on you; rather, with your help, which I received positively and with love and thought for your own emotions, I overcame. How in the world did you not care about my own feelings? You said I suck, quote, ‘boyfriend of the year, so not you’, ‘I’m just tired and I need to be left alone’ don’t know of many girls who answer their boyfriends with a long sarcastic hiss when he says he’s going to sleep... how am I supposed to deal with that among lots of other unloveable invectives you hurled at me?

What was my crime? We fell in love from a distance or rather, I fell in love with you from a distance and you did too but so early in the love-ship, it was draining you already. It was only a matter of time before it exploded real ugly and I would be the casualty by then because I would’ve believed strongly, and I did, that with you is where I belong.

I wronged you, not in the real sense of the word. I was in a very low spirit, it was rubbing off on you and I realized it and with your help, very valuable help, I was able to overcome it and I created this blog with the purpose of showing you how much you meant to me – each time I felt low or high, I was supposed to express myself here. How is that a lie? You knew this to be true but you now say it is a lie!

I’m true to my emotions. I’m in tune with my feelings and I know what I felt. I know what I’m feeling. I won’t lie to myself.

I’m guilty of falling in love with you!

I paid the price – no matter how small, but I paid the price of that love!

I’m still paying the price of that love because even though I walked away from it, I’d rather suffer that pain now and be happy later than be happy now and be drowned in the pain later.

Therefore, I won’t make it easier for you not coz I don’t wanna or don’t know how to but simply for the fact that I can’t lie and even if I could, I won’t lie.

So much for my outbursts this afternoon dear diary but it just makes me feel better. I’ve been waiting to get this load off my chest and I just did – part of it.

Remembering The 3rd...

Dear Diary,

Good morning. It is one cold Thursday here in Zaria and quite surprisingly, I’m awake already – usually, I don’t get to wake up till around 9am since I came into town. Anyways, I’d one of the best nights although I can’t remember what it was I was dreaming about. But it feels good to be alive and rearing to go.

 

*rubbing palm against each other* that just did the trick – now I remember my dream but I aint sharing with you dear diary, I’m sorry. Have to keep somethings to myself. Now, today is one day that brings a flood of memories – one that’s constantly etched to my whole being and can’t be shaken off but with time, I hope, it fades away. Time afterall they say heals all wounds. But this is no ‘wound.’ If anything, it was an elixir ---

My one month internet subscription is ending tomorrow hence, I’m forced to recall the when, how and where the previous one was activated – in Benin, in room 306. That room...hmmm... I should go back there on my own one of these days, for the last time, a different woman and then, maybe, just maybe, I’ll bury the ghost of that past.

Some ghosts will just haunt you to a state of delirium – not in the exact meaning but somehow, you just become restless, cannot concentrate, and undergo emotional changes. That’s why this particular one has to be exorcised – and I’ll, whatever it takes.

Ok, my friend and neighbour is here now. I’ve gotta go. Talk to you later dear diary.

Starting From Thence

Dear Diary,
I'm feeling real sleepy now. Its been an interesting day sort of. I'd some quality time with a very dear friend - just made me realize there's still people that genuinely care a great deal.

As the days go by, we'll get there but for now, it's treading cautiously - even the heart has a limit to what it can take. Sometimes, I just wonder; am I really for real or maybe I don't even realize who I am and the effects I create coz it's unbelievable the things I hear.

I'm gonna sign off tonight with a quote by my friend. She wrote:

A fish said:
I can't see my tears
because I'm in the water.

The water said:
I can feel your tears
because you're in my heart.

Lesson: We may hide our own hurt & pain but never can we lie to the people who care 4 us the most.

My name is Ayodele Daniel & I'm not afraid of love - I've been to so many battles with her to be frightened.

Children Are Truly A Gift...

Dear Diary,

I just feel so tired right now not coz I did anything strenous but I just wanna close my eyes and say goodnight to the world ‘til tomorrow morning.

Again, my day was like any other only that I got to step out for a lil’ bit – yea, I visited my next door neighbour to say a happy new year to them. And the sight of a house just filled with children running helter skelter brought some fresh hope. Why can’t we just retain the innocence associated with these little ones? They are without a care in this world and believe it or not, they’re a reflection of what a normal life should be –laughter, joy, innocence and beauty.

But then, I’d to leave so soon coz I wanted to be alone, by myself and just ponder over nothing. That’s one thing I can’t get tired of doing but gets me tired doing it – at the end of the day, I realize its just me but my thoughts are far off.

That’s why I just wanna write away all my thoughts... let my most silent whispers from deep within flow through my fingers and onto this keyboard as I type away... never to hold a thing back coz in this world, in this space, I can freely express myself without damnation!

And yes, I spoke with my friend today. Actually, friends that I’ve not heard from in a while. Guess that’s the only different thing that took place today. Friday, Joy, Mega and Siphpokazi – again, hearing from friends several miles away could just be a soothing balm. I love my friends& they’re very special. I also don’t know how I come to deserve the attention and concern of Omo; its amazing how it happens but then, I’m grateful.

A few friends would still be there even after the music has stopped playing and what’s more, none might even be there if the music suddenly stopped; but one person, which means a lot, is there and I’m here – whatever that means **yawns** **starry eyed**

Good night...

Forging Forward...

Dear Diary,

It’s a new year, 2013, today. Feels like every other normal day only that there seems to be a beehive of activities in almost every home this morning. What am I doing? I’m talking to you dear diary so I’m not busy. Lol

Ok. I took a bold and decisive step last night – I wasn’t stepping into the new year with a grudge nor friction with anyone I know. It might not have panned out exactly but I did it and I felt good, I still feel good. Turns out it’s the best thing I could’ve done otherwise I would have been filled with regrets maybe not now, but later.

And what did I get in return for my move? An unanticipated sms and a call. No, two calls actually. You’ll be amazed at what just a simple call can do – it can be soothing.

Got some friendly advise and no, I won’t throw it in the ‘trash’, I’ll hold onto it; not when it’s your shrink giving it.

I’m going to go out later today – I don’t have to but I will. See what this town still holds and maybe it’ll evoke some pleasant memory somewhere that will just make me fall in love with it all over again coz for now, all I got is apathy and indifference – is that even possible?

Happy New Year Dear Diary. Here’s wishing us a roller coaster together.

Hoping Against Hope...

Dear Diary,

Its been a very busy day especially with all the frenzy associated with new year’s eve – but not so for me. I have been busy trying to re-adjust to the very cold dry harmattan weather condition here in Zaria; not just the weather but it appears I’m re-adjusting to alot of things since I returned from Abuja. Hehe! I sound like someone who’s been away from the country for a long time, right? I know.

Am I losing a part of my sanity? Or better yet am I gradually turning into a recluse who abhors the presence of people around him? Even when I find myself in the midst of people, I don’t seem to take notice of them coz they don’t exist in my ‘tiny cocoon.’ What am I supposed to do? I know I’ve been the reserved type but I can’t even describe me right now.

I’m drifting...but only I know this. Everybody thinks I’m being my typical self but can they be blamed? No one really understood me from the begining. To some, I’m a complex person. Others think I’m too haughty to want to ‘mix’ while a few think I’m too caughht up in my own world to notice what’s going on around me. But I’m not what they describe or think of me – I’m just misunderstood! But I think that mystery’s part of what makes me ME!

I will not forget to mention that I’m a mess emotionally right now. My emotions are in a constant state of activity and disorganization that I can’t even place a finger on what the problem is – I’m afraid my thoughts will echo so loud that even a deaf person will hear it. But no, nobody must know what I’m thinking right now; each passing day draws me to the reality of them. Only God can save me now! I knew the risks and yet, I took it; I saw a cobra and yet I grabbed it by the tail. It’s only a matter of time before I know the effect of its deadly pangs.

My heart thumps harder and faster now against my chest... my mind tries to shut the image out but how can it? It has stuck to my thoughts like a shadow that goes wherever it goes.

I need to confide in someone... a dependable, non-judgemental, reliable and trustworthy person. But where can I find one?