Hoping Against Hope...

Dear Diary,

Its been a very busy day especially with all the frenzy associated with new year’s eve – but not so for me. I have been busy trying to re-adjust to the very cold dry harmattan weather condition here in Zaria; not just the weather but it appears I’m re-adjusting to alot of things since I returned from Abuja. Hehe! I sound like someone who’s been away from the country for a long time, right? I know.

Am I losing a part of my sanity? Or better yet am I gradually turning into a recluse who abhors the presence of people around him? Even when I find myself in the midst of people, I don’t seem to take notice of them coz they don’t exist in my ‘tiny cocoon.’ What am I supposed to do? I know I’ve been the reserved type but I can’t even describe me right now.

I’m drifting...but only I know this. Everybody thinks I’m being my typical self but can they be blamed? No one really understood me from the begining. To some, I’m a complex person. Others think I’m too haughty to want to ‘mix’ while a few think I’m too caughht up in my own world to notice what’s going on around me. But I’m not what they describe or think of me – I’m just misunderstood! But I think that mystery’s part of what makes me ME!

I will not forget to mention that I’m a mess emotionally right now. My emotions are in a constant state of activity and disorganization that I can’t even place a finger on what the problem is – I’m afraid my thoughts will echo so loud that even a deaf person will hear it. But no, nobody must know what I’m thinking right now; each passing day draws me to the reality of them. Only God can save me now! I knew the risks and yet, I took it; I saw a cobra and yet I grabbed it by the tail. It’s only a matter of time before I know the effect of its deadly pangs.

My heart thumps harder and faster now against my chest... my mind tries to shut the image out but how can it? It has stuck to my thoughts like a shadow that goes wherever it goes.

I need to confide in someone... a dependable, non-judgemental, reliable and trustworthy person. But where can I find one?