I Cried

Dear Diary,

Is this how normal people behave? I mean, I talk to you now more than I talk to the people around me; why is that? Maybe its coz you hear my silent whisphers and just know how to hear me out, like so...

I’d an emotionally challenging day today but somehow, like I always do, I find my way around it and just when I think it cant get any more challenging, I’m reminded of my soft human nature – that part of me that only one person always seems to elicit.

I cried. No, I didn’t wail like a baby or bang my head against the wall like someone mourning the loss of a loved one. No. The tears just welled up in my eyes like mist until it almost beclouded the view in front of me. Why should a grown man cry?

Why shouldn’t I cry? I realized how loving someone and letting them go hurt because of pride! Simple! Not that I regret; I do believe everything happens for a reason but why are we just realizing this now? I knew it but I wasn’t gonna let my ‘ego’ get bruised just like that. What did I do? I did what an irrational and emotional mind would do – crush a butterfly on a wheel.

Its too late to say SORRY but I’ll say it as a reminder that the difference between saying ‘I’m sorry’ and getting peace of mind is like the difference between letter ‘S’ and ‘W’-orry.

Really, Love isn’t all that matters (apologies to Brandy and Diana Ross). And strange enough, I gave a friend the same admonition. Sometimes, love isn’t just enough to cover for some of our frailties especially, especially, when we refuse to admit we’ve one.

I’ve missed you, no doubt and I never stopped loving you but unlike you, I didn’t think we got it all wrong, I think we refused to look beyond our present shortfalls with the hope that it could be better coz believe me, once two people are ideal, perfect and suited for each other, nothing they do is wrong!

I’m really, truly sorry Omo. I still can’t remember what I said or didn’t say or do or didn’t to get you real worked up – and everything I’ve said or done afterwards that seem to have hurted you, I’m truly sorry. Although I realize my words are worth nothing anymore to you but if you could see, for just a split second, you’d know I truly mean it when I say Forgive and Forget –it isn’t easy but it’s all I ask.

And as a sign of good faith to you, (I’m not sure if you’ve noticed some of the changes here but I also thought on our afternoon conversation) I’m willing to grant your request as I'm already working on it although it contradicts my earlier stance but I’m truly willing to get you ‘ecstatic’ like you said it would – I can’t lie to save myself but I’d deny everything I ever held true just to give you that peace of mind. And if I don’t succeed, I’d jettison this and start afresh!

Benin would always be the best need I mention that. I was gonna go back there as a different man – reason I said you didn’t understand. Besides, I didn’t know providence would direct you to see it otherwise, I could’ve typed ‘man’instead of woman. But somehow, it gladdened my heart that you also cherished the memory Benin held for us. Wouldn’t desecrate that memory. Never!

I’m so grateful to God that He caused our paths to cross and even more grateful that He caused me, through you, to have one of the best high points of 2012 – I’ll never forget even if I forget every other thing.

And if somehow, by a stroke of fate, lightning strikes twice at the same spot, infact it already did, maybe thrice, this time around, I would be prepared coz I would’ve been better equipped and if not, then its farewell thee my love.

Good night.