True Confessions: I Won't Lie...

Dear Diary,
I’ve just been asked to tell a lie and make a mockery of everything I truly once held valuable and priceless – how can a man look himself in the mirror and tell himself he is a woman? Even mad people still realize their sex, I believe.

But I’m not a MAD man! I CANT and WONT deny you once made me happy, made me smile, brought alot of sunshine to my life, loved me unconditionally, shaped me, scolded me when I went astray, supported me, gave me a reason to love again and I swear, you still do but I can’t take it any longer – severing the ties when it was still strong was the best!

That night when it went south was all I needed – if not now, if not then, it would’ve happened later and might I’ve been able to pull out of it? I was recklessly in love without a care in the world. I dived head-in first and I didn’t mind if I was going to crash land but I took that plunge – and it was the best plunge ever.

But how do you say the one you love is the source of your frustrations? Your neglect? How can you not understand that love, true love, is very powerful and potent and breeds positive energy? I thought you did but apparently, you did not.

How could I’ve been made a scape goat for the feelings you were feeling? I did have my own down times but I didn’t blame it on you; rather, with your help, which I received positively and with love and thought for your own emotions, I overcame. How in the world did you not care about my own feelings? You said I suck, quote, ‘boyfriend of the year, so not you’, ‘I’m just tired and I need to be left alone’ don’t know of many girls who answer their boyfriends with a long sarcastic hiss when he says he’s going to sleep... how am I supposed to deal with that among lots of other unloveable invectives you hurled at me?

What was my crime? We fell in love from a distance or rather, I fell in love with you from a distance and you did too but so early in the love-ship, it was draining you already. It was only a matter of time before it exploded real ugly and I would be the casualty by then because I would’ve believed strongly, and I did, that with you is where I belong.

I wronged you, not in the real sense of the word. I was in a very low spirit, it was rubbing off on you and I realized it and with your help, very valuable help, I was able to overcome it and I created this blog with the purpose of showing you how much you meant to me – each time I felt low or high, I was supposed to express myself here. How is that a lie? You knew this to be true but you now say it is a lie!

I’m true to my emotions. I’m in tune with my feelings and I know what I felt. I know what I’m feeling. I won’t lie to myself.

I’m guilty of falling in love with you!

I paid the price – no matter how small, but I paid the price of that love!

I’m still paying the price of that love because even though I walked away from it, I’d rather suffer that pain now and be happy later than be happy now and be drowned in the pain later.

Therefore, I won’t make it easier for you not coz I don’t wanna or don’t know how to but simply for the fact that I can’t lie and even if I could, I won’t lie.

So much for my outbursts this afternoon dear diary but it just makes me feel better. I’ve been waiting to get this load off my chest and I just did – part of it.